This is a story I posted on Rodale’s Scubadiving.com back in 2001 under an assumed name (didn’t want to catch the hate-mail it was sure to inspire). I’ve posted it here but since I’m taking credit for it let me add some disclaimers:
I have nothing against DIR. It was a joke.
Author: DIR Dork
Date: 08-06-01 03:26
I converted to DIR about 6 months ago and I have found that the philosophy extends way beyond diving. I think most people tend to view DIR as a gear configuration or diving objective type of thing but it really is a philosophy that you can use in other parts of your life. For instance, below are just some of the ways I’ve extended the DIR way of doing things into other areas of my life.
Last week some of my buddies came over to my house. Now, not all of them are divers but they do understand the DIR philosophy. So, first off, we all drink the same beer. This avoids any situations where you might be enjoying a lager and accidentally pick up an ale (or the other way around). That can be very uncool. That could quickly lead to a panic situation so we avoid it all together.
We also drink only from cans, no bottles. And we never put the beer in the refrigerator. It always goes in the ice chest in my living room. 47% of Drinking Related Incidents (DRI) occur when someone is going to the fridge for another beer so better to be safe than sorry. Of course, this is all rigged up while we’re still 100% sober so there’s no impaired judgment once things get cooking.
All of us wear a bungee necklace with a full beer on it just in case someone experiences an Out Of Beer (OOB) emergency. I can offer my already opened beer to my buddy and simply reach down and grab the backup off my beer necklace. And, without exception, we always use the 7 foot hose on the beer bong.
Of course, we don’t stay in every night so when we do decide to go out we make sure we’re still DIR. All of us wear exactly the same clothing:
Levi’s 501 Jeans (button hole, straight leg)
Gap Black T-Shirt
Haynes boxer shorts, black
Gold Toe socks, black
Kenneth Cole shoes, Brad Bitt style
G-Shock watch, black band
Nylon belt, black, with military buckle
Black Leather Jacket (optional, depending on weather conditions)
This may sound a bit silly or overdone but believe me, when you’re penetrating a night club, knowing exactly what you buddies are dressed like can make all the difference in the world if you’re hoping to snag some hottie. Let’s say I see some cutie and just before I get up to go talk to her a waitress spills a drink in my lap? No problem, because I can always swap pants with my buddy. I don’t have to worry if they match, because I know he’s wearing Levi’s 501′s. Bam, swap pants and I can still complete my objective.
One thing to keep in mind about night clubs is that you seldom want to penetrate a club on beer. I know, some of the macho jerks do this and brag to all of their buddies but believe me, it’s not DIR. You have to do it on mixed drinks. Obviously the mix will be different on different nights but a good vodka tonic mix is pretty standard. Again, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this. You can’t just order any old vodka or depend on some bartender to get the mix right. That’s what the strokes do. No, you order Stoli vodka which has an excellent reputation in the DIR partying community. The correct blend is 2oz Stoli with tonic water poured over ice in a highball glass (lemon or lime optional). I always bring a testing kit with me and if the blend is off, I send it back. It’s just not worth the risk and it’s not DIR.
So you penetrate the night club and you’ve got a good mix, now it’s time to meet the ladies. I should have said this earlier but watch your drink consumption. It’s a well known fact that women look 25% – 30% better in a night club and if you get all narc’d up on vodka tonic, it increases your chances of a coyote ugly blackout. You have to keep your wits about you.
If it’s early, you probably have pretty good viz. Later in the evening when the smoke silts up the room it’ll be harder to make out the women on the other side of the club so get your headings early. On a few occasions I’ve had to bust out the wreck reel just to get to the bathroom and back.
If you are lucky enough to hook up with a nice hottie, this is when doing it right really can pay off. Now, let’s face it, there’s a certain degree of danger involved here that I don’t want to downplay. You need to minimize your risks by using the proper equipment. I carry 2 condoms. One I put on . . . well you know, and the second I put on a bungee that goes around my waist. If there’s a malfunction on my primary, I can quickly go to my backup without hardly skipping a beat.
So, as you can see from these pretty basic examples, DIR is not just for diving. It’s something you can use in all areas of your life.
Keep it real,